Heeeeere Come Grandma and Grandpa!

Me: Mom, what is all this stuff?
Mom: Oh, some clothes I cleaned out of my closet, some home school stuff...

Mom: And this. I bought it for the boys.
Me: Mom, we don't have room for that!

Mom: Honey, we don't have room for things like this at our house.

Dad: Get back here, you little fart!

Me: Dad, they're not supposed to say that!

Me: What's in your mouth?
George: Doughnuts!

Me: Mom, they already had doughnuts.
Mom: Oh, ok. I'll get out the ice cream bars.

Dad: Honey, I've told you before - if you clean out your lint filter regularly your dryer will work much better.

Dave: Time to say good night to the kids!

Mom: Good night, sweeties.

Dad: Good night...little farts.

Me: Dad!!

The Phone Call

Me: Hi, honey. Everything's fine, but...there's a HUGE bug in the house.
Dave: What kind of bug?

Me: A praying mantis. He's on the back door.
Dave: Ok, I can't come home for a praying mantis.

Me: Yeah, I know. It's ok, you can take care of it when you get home. He's trapped for now.
Dave: What did you do?

Me: Well, I put a bowl over him, but then I got too scared to do anything else. So...

Me: I taped it to the glass.

Dave: .................

Me: So...he's waiting for you.

Dave: You know they can't hurt you.
Me: I know that.

Me: But they have so many legs...

Date Night - Take 2

Me: So where are we going to eat?

Dave: I hope you don't want to eat at Chipotle. I hate that place.
Me: What??? How can you HATE Chipotle?

Dave: Everything they make is so...fresh. I like to know my meat has been sitting out on a rotisserie for 12 hours. Besides, no one can pronounce it. Chipot-al. Chipot-lee. Chipittle.

Me: Ok. Well, I feel like Mexican food.

Dave: Ok. How about Chili's?
Me: That's not Mexican.

Dave: Oh yeah? Then why is there a big jalapeno on the sign?

Me: It's...a chili.

Dave: Oh. Right.

Dave: How about Olive Garden?

Feed the Baby

Ok, guys. Mommy is going to feed the baby now.

Not in Mommy's ear, honey.

No feet on the baby's head, please.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Mommy, I have a boogie.

ZAP - MOMMY SHIELD!

(Ok, that last part didn't really happen. But the day I do invent the toddler-proof mommy shield, I will be a very rich woman.)